Do you know what too many people
don’t understand? That not everything is
formulaic in this world.
We live in a society that, more
and more, is examining the science of things and infusing scientific thought
into things we hadn’t before. The study
of sports science, for example, is yielding new equipment, new procedures, and
even new measurements of performance. The beauty of science is that it
always yields verifiable, replicable results.
But, as much as we human beings are bound physically and even mentally
to science, there is, despite our increasing efforts to prove to the contrary,
ultimately no science to human emotion.
Emotions stretch beyond the bounds of the physical and mental. They aren’t predictable or immutable. They’re fleeting and fluid. You can never truly pin down emotions into a
predictable pattern or subset.
I think
this is a point on which most people would agree, with the potential exception
of the hardcore,
Temperance Brennan types out there—and, even she started
coming around in the later seasons.
So why, then, do so many of us
fall into the trap of believing that there are verifiable, replicable,
one-size-fits-all means of dealing with human emotion on so many different
fronts?
Now, before you shake your head
and say, “People don’t do that,” consider the following.
When someone we know and care about loses a
loved one, what often occurs? We hear
(and, at times, even repeat ourselves) the cut-and-dried platitudes and pieces of
advice that have become so commonplace.
Now, I’m not referring to Biblical truths that we share here: they're a solid foundation. I’m talking about the other things, and some
of them contradict themselves.
- You
need to let it out.
- He/She wouldn’t want you to cry.
- The Lord never gives us more than we can
handle (an absolute butcher job of Scripture that we’ve let slip into our
Christian vernacular).
- Everything happens for a reason.
- Time heals all
wounds.
- You can probably think of others, too.
We expect
grief to be dealt with in a formulaic fashion, but it just doesn’t work that
way.
Now, consider the fact that grief
isn’t limited to just instances of death (even though we often overlook that fact).
- The parent whose child has just left for college sometimes grieves.
- The
employee who’s lost his/her job sometimes grieves.
- The person who’s seen a cherished relationship
end grieves, too.
That last one is one that we
really treat in a formulaic fashion.
If there’s
anything outside of dealing with death that we desperately want to be cut and
dried, simple and easy, and cleanly routine, it’s recovering from a
breakup.
I’m fairly certain that's
because we don’t want to see our loved ones hurting; though, I’m not always
convinced of whether that’s because we care about said loved one so much, or
because their grief makes us uncomfortable, and, that thought could be applied
to any instance of grief.
I will say,
for the record, that I believe that my own family’s hearts have been in the
right place in this regard throughout my lifetime. (Don’t go writing me any disgruntled e-mails, siblings and parents. 😜)
But still, the platitudes persist
as people try to make a science out of recovering from heartbreak.
- In the end, this is a good thing.
- It wasn’t meant to be.
- Just get over it and move on.
- Put yourself out there.
Now, these things do work for some people. If
you’re a twenty-something, attractive female, you can just move on, put
yourself out there, and have another date in the heartbeat. But,
as the Everly Brothers sang, “If you wonder who the loneliest creatures in the world can be, they’re
the ugly duckling, the little black sheep, and me.”
It’s just not as simple for some as it is for
others.
Dates aren’t readily available
for everyone. All hearts don’t heal at
the same speed. There’s no science to
this, as much as we want there to be. I know that all of this probably isn’t a popular take
on emotion and grief, but it still needs to be recognized and understood.
So, what do we do to help the hurting in our lives?
Let me answer that with an observation.
Do you know what I haven’t gotten enough
of since my own recent breakup? Hugs. I mean, real hugs. Not the “thanks for coming, be safe on the
road” variety. Genuine, unsolicited, “I
know you’re hurting, I love you, and I’m always going to be here for you” hugs.
Don't get me wrong; I've gotten a few, and I'm grateful for them, and for the people who gave them. But, the members of my support system have their own problems and concerns, and all of them are pretty significant right now. So, I can't fault them in the slightest for concentrating on those things. Their needs and concerns are important, too--more so than mine, to be honest. You can’t really ask for those kinds of hugs, though. They’ve got to be offered freely.
Of course, not everyone
appreciates hugs. But, everyone
appreciates something.
It’s for us, as family and friends, to learn what the hurting in our lives need to sense our
care and concern, and then provide those supportive gestures sincerely. Recognize that the process is different in every case, and commit yourself to be there for the hurting through the process, whatever that may entail, for as long as it takes. The hurting might be inclined to tell you exactly what they need sometimes, but don’t count on that or wait for it to
happen. Be proactive in finding out and
providing those needs.
I promise you,
there’s no better way for us to show a hurting person that you care than to take the
initiative in addressing his/her needs in a way that that will benefit them, not
in the way that seems right or most convenient to us. That kind of caring goes further than any well-meaning platitude, and it doesn't even require speech. Our efforts can always say what our words may fail to express.
